My Blog

There are demons in me. Devouring my soul slowly, poisoning my spirit, killing me bit by bit. Guess they’ve succeeded in a way.

There is so much anger, resentment, disasstisfaction, discontentment… in me. Unresolved issues. Gnawing at my heart, hardening it and making it bitter and cold.

Where’s my compassion, my emphaty?
I can only show it towards the furry little doggies or kitties, for they won’t use my kindness (or should I say, my weakness?) against me nor take advantage of it. I’ve learned to build a fortress around me, closing my heart to almost everyone or anything.

I told myself, if I don’t protect myself, I will be pushed around, be bullied, be trodden upon and no one will come to my rescue. Some will just sit back and watch, others will snigger gleefully, whilst some will just add insult to injury. Only those canines and felines are ‘real’ and true.

Lost all hope towards humanity? Perhaps so.

There are things which I can forgive, yet can’t forget.
There are things which I can’t forget nor forgive.

Passion?
Haughtiness?
Aloofness?
Pride which keeps me from getting down from the high horse?
Or just plain stubborness that refuse to free the anger, hatred… to let go…

People have tried to make amends, yet I still can’t bring myself to forgive. I keep them at a distance, pushing them away, keeping them at an arm’s length.

I’m losing it. Losing this spiritual warfare. Losing my mind. Losing my heart and compassion.
Well, if the Devil wants to bring me to Hell using this tactic, he has succeeded. So I shall burn and rot in Hell because of all these bottled-up resentment that is pulling me farther down the abyss of darkness.

There are things which I can’t forgive.
It’s been a year and my granny has been reduced to ashes and bone fragments. But why can’t I still let go? Why am I still holding on so tightly?

Tomorrow (28th day of the 12th month of the Lunar Calendar) is my granny’s 1st death anniversary. It should be 14th February (Valentine’s Day) to be exact.

Apologies not accepted.
Making amends won’t turn back the hands of the clock.
It will always follow me like a shadow, living in the crannies of my heart. Reappearing when I thought I’ve conquered it. Haunting me for the rest of eternity. The demons of unforgiveness have already won more than half the battle…

5 Sept 2007… I stared at the date on the Yamaha letter, circulated to all the examiners, regardless of whether one is an FSS examiner (like yours truly, i.e. ME) or Achievement Test/Lower Grade/Higher Grade examiners. It read: YAMAHA GRADE EXAMINATION Examiners’ Meets 2007. Gosh, take leave from work again? I started a mental calculation of how many days have I left. I applied for leave, secretly hoping that ‘they’ will make it worth my while.

It certainly was. Seeing many familiar faces, some good friends/fellow teachers whom I’ve not met in ages, some whom I meet quite often and some really new faces, was part of the fun It felt good to be part of the “Yamaha world”
Many very experienced & established teachers/examiners came, JC called them (and himself) the “dinosaurs” hehehe…. Also, some of them have to wear glasses now, but nevertheless, their charisma and presence is still strongly felt.

Mr TKJ conducted the whole session and many suggestions came from most of the seniors. It was a light-hearted affair, sprinkled with many laughs and jokes admidst the serious talk about the Yamaha Grade Examination. And… The mock exam video was indeed a steal! The two examiners+CIs should really consider a switch of career into the entertainment industry! Hehe…

Indeed an eye-opener for me, to gain so much insight into the procedures & marking system of the Achievement Test/Lower Grade/Higher Grade exams, due to my being a mere FSS Examiner. Now, I can better prepare my students and myself, to do it better!
There were two makan sessions… The tea break at 11am and lunch at 1pm.. Aiyoh… How to stuff myself with food after breakfast at 9am (in the car…) ler? I didn’t drink the caffeine-laden Nescafe (which gives me palpitations) nor the tea (I only drink teh-O or Chinese Tea) nor the sugar water a.k.a. orange juice. Plain water is better, right? With AO Max, concentrated oxygen drops
Lunch is provided too, to allow us to mingle around and exchange news and to ensure that we do not take an overdue lunch break, should they let us out of the premises
It felt good to be back into this little ‘world’ again, despite being partially out of it most of the time, ’cause I’ve cut down so much on teaching now. But I still like being in this ‘family’ (if I may call it this way and if ‘they’ still treat me as one of ‘them’) because I know, deep down, music is still my passion (though I’ve lost touch with it for so long… and the students many a time drive me up the wall).

Cheers, everyone!

Isn’t this song lovely….

“Let The Music Heal Your Soul” (Bravo All Stars)
Oh if someone writes a song with a simple rhyme
Just a song where its feeling show
And if someone feels the same about the simple song
Oh sometimes you can hear them say
Music gives you happiness and sadness
But it also, it also heals your soul

Chorus :
Let the music heal your soul
Let the music take control
Let the music give you the power to move any mountain

Oh if someone plays piano with some simple chords
So melodic and endearing, too
Oh if someone plays guitar with the old piano
And maybe you can hear them sing
Music gives you Happiness or Sadness
But it also, also heals your soul

26 AUGUST 2007

How was our weekend? Was it relaxing or hectic?

I, for one, have been working late. Yep, it’s my freelance subtitle translation again, rushing to meet the deadline. The latest or earliest hour that I hit the sack was at 5am, Saturday morning. Naturally, I conked out on Sunday morning at 4am, intending to wake up at 7.30am to continue, but the Land of the Nod was too enticing for me to even hear the alarm clock or the alarm & reminder from my hand phone.

And yes, I’ve been sleeping on the couch (to my mom’s angst!) and on the music room floor (with a thin mattress) because it’s nearer to my PC.

My tummy hurt a lot since Saturday evening and I tried taking ginseng tea and warm Milo but to no avail. Rubbing nutmeg oil on it proved futile too.

Anyway, despite the pain, I totally KO-ed on Sunday morning in the music room, only being rudely awakened at 12 noon by Kechik Rat’s voice (my niece, Chloe) calling, “Yee Yee, Yee Yee”. I tried to ignore her, my cousin sis & my uncle, but when my uncle said, “Your Yee Yee is a lazy pig”, I couldn’t stop myself from retorting, “For God’s sake, I slept at 4am lah…Aiyo…”

Then, I dragged myself up to wash up and had breakfast (???), I mean, lunch.

It was work again for an hour plus, trying to cover as much as I could.

Only then did I realise that I was having a gastric attack! Ish… The pain was still there, I felt bloated and heavy.

Oops… Time to go at 2.45pm!

I’m volunteering for Grace Assembly (my superior’s church) to feed the needy at Medan Bunus. I was early, managed to buy 2 kaya Swiss roll from Yut Kee for RM7.35 each!

Wa, price hike again ar… Ish… It wasn’t as yummy as before, rather dry now and they skimped on kaya. I gobbled down a couple of pieces in the car Yut Kee was famous for its continental & oriental dishes back then and I used to like its Roti Babi, diced pork & onion sandwiched between two slices of bread & dipped in egg, fried till crispy, golden brown; its oriental/Hainanese Pork Chop… Yummy! Perhaps I should drop by one lazy Sunday afternoon and reminisce about the good old times & to see if the food is as yummy as before myself, cause according to my sources, it’s not as good as before.

I went around, hoping to get a parking lot nearer to Mydin’s or Semua House. Served me right for being so greedy… As a result of the ronda-ronda, I nearly banged into a taxi as I was coming out from the lane. And I still could not get a parking! Da*n it! I should have parked at Jalan Dang Wangi earlier, than waste my petrol and time and energy driving around! But, I managed to come across many restaurants along Jalan Doraisamy, adjacent to Yut Kee. Le Chine grabbed my attention with a Terracotta warrior guarding its entrance. Hua…. So many restaurants here, so many choices, such nice exterior and inviting interior which I could peek through the windows. Should come for dinner with friends one day soon, I hope.

Anyway, I conceded defeat and went back to Jalan Dang Wangi (I’m quite familiar with that area, because Yamaha was there in the mid-eighties to mid-nineties – now RIMA college) and parked near Yut Kee. Ran all the way to Mydin where Alice, my boss was waiting for me.

We navigated amongst the Malays, Indonesians, Indians, foreigners into the space behind Medan Bunus & I could see the “Grace Assembly” name atop the building. Up we went in the elevator, to the 4^th floor. I went in & saw many people waiting to be called into the consultation room of the free clinic, manned by an Indian lady doctor and a Chinese lady nurse. They’re open from 3pm – 5pm every Sunday, providing free medical services for all. I saw a few familiar faces, which I’ve seen at Alice’s house during the Christmas-cum-birthday party for the daughter. I couldn’t really recall the names of some of them, but I remember Yoke Ann and Lillian. We jumped into action of packing oat drinks. This is a weekly community service by Grace Assembly, manned by its many church members who take turns in volunteering – each cell group will help out for one Sunday.

When we’re done, we changed into the Grace Assembly t-shirts and pushed the trolleys down to the ground floor where many people of all races and colours were waiting patiently. They were the needy people whom we’re gonna feed.. Some are homeless, some are poor, some are drug addicts, some are security guards at a nearby building and some needed a free meal because of a reason only known to them… I did not expect to see so many people, and at such a close range too, for usually, I kept myself well away from them…

This time, I learned a lesson – Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

And I learned what the true meaning of humility is. They are human beings, just like you and me. If given a chance, would you think they would want to get free food? I used to loathe people who receive alms from others when they are not even handicapped; I will not even give one cent to the ‘jaga kereta’ boys, I used to scorn the drug addicts who, by their own choice, ruin their lives, because I believe that jobs are aplenty for them to earn their keep, if they try hard enough. After all, even the handicapped are earning their keep in a dignified way. Why can’t these people do the same? I’d rather donate my hard earned money to the SPCA or PAWs or WWF!

But yesterday, I was stupefied. I did not expect them to have the discipline to queue up, let alone utter a word of thanks. It was like a scene from Oliver Twist when they asked for more rice & gravy, which were immediately given to them. I overheard one of them saying, “Please give me more rice, I haven’t eaten in three days” as Alice and I were handing out styrofoam rice boxes to them which consisted of a big piece of curry chicken and vegetables. The guy next to us added more rice, and another lady was in-charge of distributing gravy, whilst some others were giving away oat drinks and bananas.

One of them helped man the traffic flow of the queue, by making them queue up and calling out numbers (number cards were given to the needy to gauge how many they were).

There were some who spoke good English, and some who were rather well-dressed and decent. There was also a bespectacled elderly Ang-mo and Edward, a young Indian guy who claimed that he’s a Christian; and only wanted the oat drinks and not rice, because he said he can’t chew even though he had straight and even teeth. There was an elderly Chinese lady who complained that the banana was too small and was too soft, and demanded another piece. But we’ve already ran out of bananas.

There were a total of about 200++ of them.

They were also given used but clean clothes and disposable shavers as well. I was told that sometimes, toiletries are handed up to them when there’re enough to go around. So, if you have any mini soap bars from the hotels or even if you have old but wearable clothes to discard, you can always pass them to me to hand it over to Grace Assembly. My church, St Mary’s (next to Royal Selangor Club & Dataran Merdeka) – an Anglican church, also holds a feeding programme every Wednesday morning and can use with dry food stuffs or old clothes too.

I got my hands all oily and wet from distributing the rice boxes, but I wasn’t really bothered about it. Those who know me would be surprised, for I’m one who’d immediately wipe my hands or if possible, immediately wash them to rid them of oil and gravy.

Well, it all ended before 6pm. We went up to wash the trays and utensils. I was asked to join them for dinner, but my translation job needs to be done.

Said my goodbyes and Yoke Ann gave me a hug for good luck.

Peace be with you, everyone. God bless.

I walked slowly back to my car and saw an old man eating from the rice box we handed out in front of Wilayah Complex. I felt tired and my gastric pain was still there, but I also felt ‘something’ inside.

Will I volunteer again? Definitely. And I’m looking forward to join Tammy’s Leo Club in this programme come October 2007. I’ll get some ex-Ascomers to join me too! It’s not about religion, it’s all about humanity and humility. Feel free to volunteer or if you can’t come, feel free to donate anything that could be used.

And I’m looking forward to going back there again & if possible, help out at my church on Wednesday morning too.

Peace be with you, Amen.

Valentine’s Day… A day for all the lovey-dovey, gazing dreamily into each other’s eyes. Yet, a day filled with sadness, leaving an empty space in my heart that can never heal.

I tried to post this earlier, but as soon as I started writing, my eyes welled up, just as they are moist right now. My whole life seemed to pass right in front of my eyes.

My heart was broken into zillions of pieces at 3.45pm by one single phone call. I sat down, dazed, my heart pumping hard, my throat dry. My life will never be the same again.

I couldn’t utter anything for fear that if I did speak, tears would stream endlessly down my cheek. I gathered my things, cleared my table and switched off my PC. Picked up the phone, dialled a number and started crying.

Turned around and asked for leave from my superior, MK. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down when I said in a halting voice, trying to maintain a calm composure, but failing badly, "MK, I have to go now. My granny just passed away."

TK was shocked to see me in tears and handed me a piece of tissue after tissue. I was weeping as I tried to pull myself together and walked towards ML’s place to ask for leave.

They were shocked, and agreed immediately.

ML was so kind as to call me to see if I could drive home. She advised me to hail a cab and leave the car at the office, saying that she’ll drive it home for me, but I knew I’ll need my little mousedeer to run errands or buy stuffs for the funeral.

Went to Anakin’s office to pass him some CNY stuffs. Could barely contol my tears. Sped to the nursing home. It was raining. And my heart was raining too!

Mom, Auntie Jill and Uncle Ivan were already there. I rushed in, minus the brolly. I wanted to see my beloved Por-Por one more time, one last time and to whisper my goodbye. But they’ve already ‘ta-pao’ her in white linen and placed her in the ambulance. Tears were streaming down and I started sobbing. The Indon helper in the nursing home passed me some tissues and patted my back. But the more she did, the more I wept. I couldn’t even say my goodbye! I never wanted to say goodbye!

We went home and I took down the Chinese New Year decos from the door and our Xmas+CNY tree. With each ornament I took down, a tear fell down too. The people from the funeral parlour arrived soon after. We decided to have a Taoist funeral for por-por even though we’re all Christians because she was always praying to the deities and asking them to bless her in her mahjong

It was the last thing we could do for her. Give her a dignified funeral, send her on her final journey.

Everything seemed like a dream. They brought her back in the evening, she was clad in yellow brocade, surrounded by dry ice. They told us what we should do. We bought some of the food that she used to like and placed them on the altar.

Cheoon Wah came with his mom, his wife waited in the car because she’s 2 months pregnant - pantang

Cousin Melwin and I took turns to take care of the candle and joss stick - let them burn continuously and replace the burnt ones. We slept on the couch in my living room - he, on the 3-seater and I, on the 2-seater. I stayed up till 2am before succumbing to a deep sleep, too exhausted to cry. He took his turn at 3am. Johnny Boy and the dogs in the neighbourhood barking fiercely in the middle of the night. I slept on. Cousin Melwin went out and saw nothing. Did Por-Por just drop by to see us???

Thursday, 15/2/07 - Woke up and neighbour David plus a couple of elderly neighbours who were friends with my granny dropped by. Washed up and shared kopi-O with Por-por. Was calm and composed most of the time. Mary and Angela from the Cheras Cell group (Tmn Tenaga) dropped by in the afternoon. So did mom’s colleagues and Cousin Marie’s bro-in-law. It was pouring late in the afternoon, as if the Heavens is crying for my granny.

She brought the three of us up (cousins Marie & Melwin & I) and really pampered us, giving us a sheltered childhood and all the way up to adulthood. All our daily needs were met, she showered us with love and cared for all of us selflessly. True enough, the rain stopped to allow us to proceed with the rituals and to allow well-wishers to drop by, on this cool night (and the weather would have been hot and humid if it hadn’t rained). Could it be Por-por?

They said Por-por is very considerate to leave us 3 days before our reunion dinner. They said that she left us because she didn’t want to trouble us and didn’t want the funeral caretakers to charge us double should she leave during Chinese New Year. Maybe she left to celebrate Valentine’s Day with Ah Gung (grandpa). Maybe she wanted to have reunion dinner with Ah Gung.

But I don’t want that! I want her to sit next to me during reunion dinner, just like last CNY so that I can feed her and peel prawns for her (even though I don’t eat prawns). I want to peel Mandarin oranges for her and take out the seeds for her and let her see Johnny Boy and pat him. I want to greet her on the first day of CNY. I knew it might be our last CNY together and I turned down friends’ invitation for a trip to Bangkok. I wanted to do everything for her, to ensure that she knows that she is the queen of my heart, of my life! But she never even wait for us, she never even said goodbye. She left us without even saying goodbye… :’(

The rain stopped in the evening. I went to buy some paper mahjong to be burnt with all the other offerings. Also bought some cakes for the well-wishers who will be coming to pay their last respects. And ice-cresm plus Sarsi for my granny. Anakin came after work. Next were Serena and Eileen.

I can’ recall the last time I cried so openly and so shamelessly. And I never bothered to hide my sorrow this time.

The rites started and I couldn’t help crying again. Kak Ida (auntie Jill’s maid) passed me some tissue and patted my back. I couldn’t help thinking that my Por-por and I would never meet again.

Auntie Sarimah (Por-por’s daughter-in-law, uncle Yusof’s wife) came and hugged me, I burst into tears again, "Auntie, Carrie sakit hati. Carrie tak sanggup, auntie. Tak sanggup". She was crying too. My Malay cousins came too, as well as other well-wishers. Mien Tse and Siew Ye came after Serena and Eileen left. Anakin was still accompanying me, but I know he was tired and I urged him to go home and rest at 9.30pm. Thanks, Anakin!

Kheng Hoe’s (my god-bro) mom came by, Kheng Hoe pantang, so he just waited down the road. Then came Ten Hong and See Kah(my god-bro & god-sis), almost at the same time as Ms Cheong (my music teacher since I was 8yrs old), Mr Than, Kevin and Mun Yee.

Another ritual again and this time, to bring the tablet over the gold and silver paper bridges. When the Taoist priest said,"Separated forever, by the Land of the Living and Land of the Dead", I was sobbing so much that I choked on the words - the priest told us to invite my granny up and down the bridges. I didn’t want to tell her to cross the bridges, I don’t want her to leave and forget us…

But my cousins and I smiled through our tears as he was telling the paper effigies to take care of my granny. There was even a driver in her Benz! That Taoist fella really made us cry and laugh at the same time!

It was over by midnight. We were all tired and were not allowed to shower. I dragged myself up into my bathroom and wiped myself with a wet towel, I can’t bear not being able to shower ’cause I was smelling like the joss sticks and paper offerings. Cousin Melwin slept on the couch again.

Friday, 16/2/07 - The next morning, we put on our mourning white t-shirt and black pants. Offered my granny breakfast one last time on the altar (I went out to buy her chocolates and ‘dim-sum’). The band came and this cry-baby started crying again. It meant that her final journey was near. They’ve lifted the coffin’s cover and I could touch her. We all said our goodbyes.

The band started playing a few songs. When they took a break, I went in and switched on my old Electone. I played Twilight In Upper West, my favourite song for her. Tears fell onto the keyboard and the floor, my vision blurred and I could barely read the score, but I kept on.

One last ritual and we went round her coffin several times. Then the priest blessed the house.

It was almost 10 am. The crew are almost done with their packing and placed my granny’s coffin into the hearse. I could cry no more. Anakin reached just on time as we were getting ready to leave.

I requested the band to play "Hung Chan" (Red Dust). They didn’t know the tune, I played a phrase on the keyboard and they nodded their acknowledgement. They were quite surprise. Then, I requested ‘Yeh Lai Xiang". Both are my granny’s favourite. Initially, I asked for songs from the Four Heavenly Kings, especially Leon Lai (my granny loves his songs too) but their repertoire was limited.

Then, it was time to go. We followed the hearse, till the junction. My heart was aching so much that it hurts, but I was left with no more tears to weep.

We made our way to the crematorium in Chin Fut Sze in 5 cars. Anakin drove me there. Even though he was a Christian, he joined us in all the rituals as a mark of respect for Por-por.

Then, the coffin was pushed into the kiln. I felt an impulse to hug the coffin and beg them not to put it in so soon! There were many things which I’d want to tell her. I saw the kiln coming alive with fire which consumed her coffin. I tried to peep from the gaps, hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but all I saw were flames, which burnt angrily and my heart ached even more!

Some final rituals and we were asked to change into something red. Then, we left for the temple where we will place her tablet. Had lunch at Keong Kee.

Anakin accompanied me throughout. I know it is hard, I know it is kind of awkward, but he was there for me when I needed someone most, just be around and let me feel the presence, unlike someone…

We went back to the temple at 4.30 pm, after taking a shower. We held joss sticks as the nun chanted scriptures.

Saturday, 17/2/07, the eve of CNY - Went to the crematorium to put her bones, fragments and ashes into the urn. We got her a place across the shelf from Ah Gung’s and Tai Por-por’s (1st granny) urns. Por-por once mentioned during Qing-Ming that she doesn’t want to be placed next to Ah Gung. So, we got her unit 1774, opposite Ah Gung.

Thanks to all well-wishers for their attendance, ‘pak-kum’, phone calls, emails and text messages. Special thanks to Anakin and all my friends who dropped by even though CNY was just around the corner. And thanks to Melody who called from America.

Everything is over now. We miss her a lot. The emptiness in my heart is like a bullet hole, it can never be filled. I am all right now but I look forward to the day I’ll be reunited with my dear Por-por when my time on Earth expires.But for now, I’ll live the life she wants me to live and hold her memories and the values that she taught me close to my heart.

The song "To Where You Are" now belongs to her and Big Dog. She loves animals, and I’m just like her. And she loves Big Dog… Is Big Dog with her now, guarding her ‘paper house’???

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Yes, I’m sleeping late nowadays, surfing and looking out of the window, hopelessly wishing to catch a glimpse of her walking here and waving to me with Big Dog through the living room window. I know it’s silly, but it’s the only way I could "melepaskan rasa rindu terhadapnya".

Doesn’t she know, it’s the end of the world, it ended when she said goodbye…

Will this path lead me to her? Seems like she walked down this cold and gloomy path alone. Wished I could go with her, but I have my responsibilities here. Will she take me with her, so that I can accompany her???

Who are we to play God?

Who are we do decide on ending a life?

I just can’t comprehend.

End her suffering? Or continue to let her suffer?

Who are we to decide the definition of “suffering”?

Send her for dialysis so that she could have a chance at life, but the risk of suffering another stroke is looming over her?

Just let her lives the rest of her twilight days in peace, and let the toxins in her blood slowly take her away?

What a true scenario of the devil and the deep blue sea!

How can I bear to see her suffer?

How can I bear to see her leave me when I love her so much?

Dear All,

I bring bad news.

My dear por-por is in a critical condition. Her organs are failing one by one. She was admitted to the Ampang Hospital yesterday evening (5 minutes’ drive from my house) - Opposite Pandan Mewah McDonald’s.

The nursing home called my mom and informed her that my granny refused to eat nor drink anything for the past two days. Aunty Jill and Uncle Ivan went in the evening and bought her ‘wantan’, which she gobbled and washed down with Brand’s Essence of Chicken. We were told that her stool were black and they suspected it was blood. the dr came and advised us to send her to the hospital. She was ghastly pale when i saw her. Dr said that her kidneys are failing fast (previously, her kidneys still had 60% function a year after her stroke). And her lungs were hazy, she din have enuf oxygen. to much potassium in her blood & it might cause heart failure. She was nervous and afraid, refused to let go of my hand. Mom accompanied her last night.

Today, dr gave us two options to help reduce the toxin in her blood (as a result of her reduced kidney function) i.e. A) operate on her and attach a tube to her, draining her blood and replenishing new blood. Might only help for two days. B) dialysis - how could a frail old lady like my por-por stand the dialysis?! she’s weak enough now. we dun think tht she could endure it! And , the dr said that even so, the chances are lass than 50%

God… I really dunno what to do… I dont want to see her leave me. I wont allow that! I wont, not even if i’ve exhausted all the medical avenues! But my family have othr thoughts. I just cant bear it.I dun wan her to suffer, yet i dont want her to leave me. I cant think now… I dont want to know that she’s gonna leave me.

Please pray for her, my dear friends. If God really loves her, dun let her suffer. She doesnt deserve to suffer. If God really loves me, dun take her away from me.

I havent said my goodbye yet.

I dont want to say my goodbye at all…

I was at work yesterday… Yeah, on a Sunday. Conducting FSS ‘exam’ for JMC graduates in Ampang Point. Then, dinner with Claris teachers and staff at Tmn. Midah, sort of a ‘thank you’ dinner from the management for the successful concert on 25 November. Or perhaps, the long-delayed ‘annual dinner’ which we never heard of since the beginning of 2006?

I thought to myself,"Why am I working on a Sunday, when I could be like everyone else who can loaf at home, relaxing? And here I am, working my a** off, with no proper lunch, smiling at a room full of strangers, talking about how good was the kids’ performance, the pros of JXC,etc?

I chose to continue teaching, continue being an FSS examiner. Why did I choose it? I am GREEDY. I didn’t want to give up teaching, give up music, when I’ve invested so much $, time, sweat and tears on it. I wanted to continue, being a part of Yamaha (though I think my existence doesn’t matter much to them anyway), be a part of the "selected" people who could ’speak’ the ‘language’ of music. The so-called ‘oohs and aahs’ when I tell people that I teach music at a YMM franchisee?

Music has been a part of me since I stepped into my JMC class 25 years ago, 3rd floor, Sungai Wang Plaza (Yamaha KL branch). No way, I don’t know how I’d live without it… That’s why I’m still holding on, still struggling, finding no time for I, ME and MYSELF…

Same goes for other things in life… I’m greedy, I must admit it. I wanted a more ‘normal’ life and took on a job in the office but I don’t want to give up my music either. I can choose to forgo my teaching career (after all, I’m teaching less than 10 hours per week), but I chose to have both my day job and my Yamaha job. I don’t want to give up because if I did, I might find it hard to get back into this YMM world, I might have to waste time going for seminars, trainings, practising, etc… And I’ve worked so hard to build it all these years. No way I’m giving it up. That’s why I said I’m greedy.

It’s the same with my life… I’m so indecisive that I can’t decide what is right for me, what is wrong… or who is right and who is wrong…  Stay or leave? I wanted both and refuse to let go of either one of them. Am I keeping something which I don’t need? Or deep down inside, I knew I need it, yet I chose to ignore it? Taking things for granted? Ungrateful? Greedy? Indecisive? Proud? Ego? Insecure? Always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side?

My indecisiveness is eating me up right now. And I know that I’m the only one who can make up my own mind. No one else can talk me into it, or offer any so-called ‘advice’. But why am I not deciding yet? What am I waiting for? This or that? It’s so simple… Why am I still waiting? What am I afraid of? Making the wrong decisions? Ruining everything? Ruining my life? Ruining others’ lives? Hurting myself? Hurting others in the process? Regretting it if things don’t turn out well? Thinking about all the "what-if" questions?

I have to decide one day, but I’m dreading it. I’ve been running all my life… Running from things I dislike doing… I’m trying to stall time and halt it. But sooner or later, it will come. Either I make the decision, or others will decide it for me. Then, it’ll be a big blow to me and I might plunge into depression again (as in 2004)… How can I make a decision and not let the "what-if" questions eat into me and without looking back?

Just returned to office today after a 3-day Junior Advanced Course (JAC) Books 3 & 4 seminar at Yamaha Kelana Jaya. It was okay, I gained a lot of knowledge from Miss L. But it got me worried about my students who will be taking the Lower Grade (Gd 7) exam in March 2008. I took 3 days of no-pay leave, so kena potong gaji

It has been a hectic week since Saturday 25 November 2006. A short re-cap of what took place for the past few days…

25 NOVEMBER 2006 - SATURDAY

Woke up at 7 am, had to get ready for concert rehearsal at Flamingo Hotel’s Grand Ballroom for the Claris Concert - a collaboration of all 5 branches, teachers and staffs were required to be there at 8.30. I had to fetch Covyn (my student) from Claris Midah too. Reached there just on time. Bought currypuffs for Covyn and myself.

I got an sms from Anakin, saying that our friend’s (2K) mom comitted suicide. My first reaction was, "My God! Holy sh*t!" It somehow casted a gloomy shadow on me after that, but I tried hard not to think about it. She’s dead, there’s nothing we can do. The BIG concert’s tonight, we have to do our best!

Havana Express (my item!) was the second group to rehearse. I was blur cause I didn’t attend the rehearsal at Claris on Tuesday (mana boleh attend? I was at work! They were practising in the afternoon!) Used the Mini Stagea. Hmm… Nice… 2 rounds and we’re shooed off the stage for other items.

Loafed around till my students’ item - Initial D "Rage Your Dreams" and "Shanghai Beach". They provided lunch. Horrible… Cold hotdogs and buns… Yuck… Forced myself to swallow the hotdog - was starving. Covyn wanted to watch the Crazy Frog rehearsal, so we stayed till 2.30pm.

Sent him home but on my way out, got lost in that housing area. Da*n! Managed to reach home at 4.30pm. Had some food and took bath and prepared for the BIG night ahead! Sms-ed CK at almost 5pm cause I had a free pass to the concert. He sportingly agreed.

Reached Flamingo at 6.30pm. Many parents were queueing up to go in. I rushed upstairs to see if there’s anything I could help. Students were all over the place!

Some of my former students - from Setapak, Ampang and Midah branches greeted me with smiles and a tug at my arm! Even their mommies and daddies came to say hi Wow! They’re so grown up now! Timothy Lee, who was from my JMC and JXC class in Setapak is now in Form 2! He’s so much taller than me now! So is his brother, Jonathan! Makes me feel so old ler…

The concert started at 7.30pm sharp with a bang! Mission Impossible - electone ensemble and rhythm stepping. Nice Jaime was our host. She’s good!

It was indeed an "Enchanting Evening with Claris". There were, of course, some minor hitches and glitches, but these were all over-shadowed by the impressive performances!

My ‘babies’ were nervous for their items - even the 4 teenagers for Initial D, not to mention the 9 or 10-year old kids fom my JAC class! The Initial D performers took to stage - a mixture of my students and other teachers’ students ( Ditto for other performances - like I said earlier, it’s a collaboration of all 5 Claris branches). They looked so rugged, and gave an energetic performance. Too bad, the singers’ voices were not amplified enough through the microphones.

Next was Shanghai Beach. The kids 22 of them( ranging from 8 - 11 years old) were all dressed in Chinese traditional costumes! My 5 ‘kids’ all looked so cute and pretty and handsome There were 2 false starts, because of the registration thingie from the main electone. I was so nervous for them! I was so worried for them! Luckily, Roy managed to kautim that thing and the kids recovered themselves and gave a good performance!

I felt myself bursting with pride for all my students. Even though they normally give me loads of headaches, white hair and sorethroat, they did really well in this concert - both my teenagers and the 5 kiddies.

Next was Havana Express! Teachers’ item! We tried our best, and put in everything! My right foot was shaking on the expression pedal. No, I wasn’t THAT nervous, I guess it’s a mixture of nerves and excitement. Strangely, I enjoyed performing! I used to dread it when I was younger. I guess it’s because we’re doing an ensemble piece. I’d die of heart failure if you were to ask me to do a solo performance!

"The Perfect Year" was our finale song. All contestants gathered on stage and sang the chorus whilst, Miss C, Miss LJ, JC, WQ serenaded us with their sweet voices.

After saying goodbye to my kids & their parents, shaking their hands and patting their backs for a wonderful performance, we stayed back for the photo sessions. I ‘kidnapped’ Miss C’s kids - Jia Qin and Ling Ling, plus MY’s kid, Nicholas for a pix. They’re such adorable kids - I’ve seen them grow up into such talented kids, just like their mommies and daddies

I left at 11 pm, while they’re still discussing the concert and the boo-boos, etc.

Lots of thanks to Ms. CLF, Ms. LJ, KC and MR NKC for their effort and hard work, making this concert a success and a memorable one for all of us and the students + parents. Will I participate again? Well, a definite YES (only for ensemble playing, mind you!)

Once again, after a lapse of bad spells and disillusions, I felt proud to be part of Claris Music, part of Yamaha. Felt as if we’re the ’selected’ and ‘priviledged’ lot who knows another language - the language of MUSIC

Went to PJ at 12 am, to talk to Anakin, K and another of their friend regarding 2K’s mom’s demise. Reached home at 3.00 am… Half dead…

26 NOVEMBER 2006- SUNDAY

Dragged myself out of bed at 9.30 am. GM and SY were scheduled to come at 10.45 am, for our ladies’ day out. Got ready just in time, GM arrived punctually. SY was late… Fetched YS and off we went!

First stop, Taman Megah HAndicapped & Disabled Children Home in PJ, to bring them some nappies, foodstuffs, etc. Initially, I was quite apprehensive to go in - I didn’t know how I should react to the special kids. GM hesitated too. But we went in anyway. Surprisingly, reaching out to them was not a problem at all! They reached out to us, and we reacted, naturally. It was a surprise for me to be able to hold their hands and even give them a hug! I didn’t know I was capable of reacting spontaneously like this! For once, I allowed total strangers to invade my ‘personal space’ ( I’m uncomfortable having people, even friends, invade my personal space - I normally take a few steps backwards if I think that someone is too coming too near me).

Then, we left for  Mid Valley for lunch. Hungry… But we’re moved by the kids… YS said she’ll be going again with her Buddhist group. Hope to go again with SY soon.

Vietnamese food… Crap… Costs me RM22 I can have many plates of chicken rice with that amount…

Walked around, didn’t manage to get anything. The Scrooge in me made me held on tight to my purse strings - I’ve spent enough on a Metrojaya dress last week, for AL’s wedding, with matching accessories and shoes It wasn’t the Sales Carnival either. No good bargains, so refused to be tempted into buying. Only bought br*ast paddings for my new dinner dress

Also, was kinda sleepy and tired after such a long night. I truly wasn’t myself. Had Coffee Bean another 15 bucks gone…  I was quieter than my usual self.

SY sent me to nearest LRT station, took LRT to Amcorp Mall. Anakin came to fetch me. We were going to pay last respects to 2K’s mom. But first, I needed to change into something more sombre. I was wearing an orange-coloured tee and mini skirt! Had to borrow baggy t-shirt and jeans from Anakin. Thank God, the jeans fitted me well

Went for the wake at the funeral parlour. 2K seemed okay, but I know that he’s heart-broken bout his mom. Kesiannya!

Left at 9.30pm, Anakin sent me home. Thanks!

27 NOVEMBER 2006 - 29 NOVEMBER 2006 - MONDAY - WEDNESDAY

Junior Advanced Course (JAC) Books 3 & 4 seminar at Yamaha Kelana Jaya, conducted by Miss L. Super worried about my ‘kids’. They’re not at that level yet and they’re due for Book 3 in January 2007! Maybe I’ve molly-cuddled them too much, spoon-fed them too much! What am I to do? I have 15 months to get them ready for their Yamaha Lower Grade 7 exam in March 2008 - repertoire, arrangement, sight-playing, aural, improvisation… God! Help me!

I was so worried that I didn’t have the mood to join other fellow teachers for lunch on the first two days. I went to Giant alone. Hey, I actually enjoy having lunch alone - can eat anything I want, walk anywhere I want, without the need to entertain and interact with other people Should do this more often But not every day lah…

Visited my ex-colleagues at Ascom on Tuesday. They were surprised, esp KSY Hehehe… Karen came and gave me a hug… Normally, I’d have backed-off (me and my ‘personal space’ thingie), but I responded this time. Missed the whole lot of them!

30 NOVEMBER 2006 - THURSDAY

Back to the grindstone today, with a whole pile of work greeting me, screaming at me to get them done… Back to the grindstone now, the windbag ( Read: ME)