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There are demons in me. Devouring my soul slowly, poisoning my spirit, killing me bit by bit. Guess they’ve succeeded in a way.

There is so much anger, resentment, disasstisfaction, discontentment… in me. Unresolved issues. Gnawing at my heart, hardening it and making it bitter and cold.

Where’s my compassion, my emphaty?
I can only show it towards the furry little doggies or kitties, for they won’t use my kindness (or should I say, my weakness?) against me nor take advantage of it. I’ve learned to build a fortress around me, closing my heart to almost everyone or anything.

I told myself, if I don’t protect myself, I will be pushed around, be bullied, be trodden upon and no one will come to my rescue. Some will just sit back and watch, others will snigger gleefully, whilst some will just add insult to injury. Only those canines and felines are ‘real’ and true.

Lost all hope towards humanity? Perhaps so.

There are things which I can forgive, yet can’t forget.
There are things which I can’t forget nor forgive.

Passion?
Haughtiness?
Aloofness?
Pride which keeps me from getting down from the high horse?
Or just plain stubborness that refuse to free the anger, hatred… to let go…

People have tried to make amends, yet I still can’t bring myself to forgive. I keep them at a distance, pushing them away, keeping them at an arm’s length.

I’m losing it. Losing this spiritual warfare. Losing my mind. Losing my heart and compassion.
Well, if the Devil wants to bring me to Hell using this tactic, he has succeeded. So I shall burn and rot in Hell because of all these bottled-up resentment that is pulling me farther down the abyss of darkness.

There are things which I can’t forgive.
It’s been a year and my granny has been reduced to ashes and bone fragments. But why can’t I still let go? Why am I still holding on so tightly?

Tomorrow (28th day of the 12th month of the Lunar Calendar) is my granny’s 1st death anniversary. It should be 14th February (Valentine’s Day) to be exact.

Apologies not accepted.
Making amends won’t turn back the hands of the clock.
It will always follow me like a shadow, living in the crannies of my heart. Reappearing when I thought I’ve conquered it. Haunting me for the rest of eternity. The demons of unforgiveness have already won more than half the battle…