My Blog

I was at work yesterday… Yeah, on a Sunday. Conducting FSS ‘exam’ for JMC graduates in Ampang Point. Then, dinner with Claris teachers and staff at Tmn. Midah, sort of a ‘thank you’ dinner from the management for the successful concert on 25 November. Or perhaps, the long-delayed ‘annual dinner’ which we never heard of since the beginning of 2006?

I thought to myself,"Why am I working on a Sunday, when I could be like everyone else who can loaf at home, relaxing? And here I am, working my a** off, with no proper lunch, smiling at a room full of strangers, talking about how good was the kids’ performance, the pros of JXC,etc?

I chose to continue teaching, continue being an FSS examiner. Why did I choose it? I am GREEDY. I didn’t want to give up teaching, give up music, when I’ve invested so much $, time, sweat and tears on it. I wanted to continue, being a part of Yamaha (though I think my existence doesn’t matter much to them anyway), be a part of the "selected" people who could ’speak’ the ‘language’ of music. The so-called ‘oohs and aahs’ when I tell people that I teach music at a YMM franchisee?

Music has been a part of me since I stepped into my JMC class 25 years ago, 3rd floor, Sungai Wang Plaza (Yamaha KL branch). No way, I don’t know how I’d live without it… That’s why I’m still holding on, still struggling, finding no time for I, ME and MYSELF…

Same goes for other things in life… I’m greedy, I must admit it. I wanted a more ‘normal’ life and took on a job in the office but I don’t want to give up my music either. I can choose to forgo my teaching career (after all, I’m teaching less than 10 hours per week), but I chose to have both my day job and my Yamaha job. I don’t want to give up because if I did, I might find it hard to get back into this YMM world, I might have to waste time going for seminars, trainings, practising, etc… And I’ve worked so hard to build it all these years. No way I’m giving it up. That’s why I said I’m greedy.

It’s the same with my life… I’m so indecisive that I can’t decide what is right for me, what is wrong… or who is right and who is wrong…  Stay or leave? I wanted both and refuse to let go of either one of them. Am I keeping something which I don’t need? Or deep down inside, I knew I need it, yet I chose to ignore it? Taking things for granted? Ungrateful? Greedy? Indecisive? Proud? Ego? Insecure? Always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side?

My indecisiveness is eating me up right now. And I know that I’m the only one who can make up my own mind. No one else can talk me into it, or offer any so-called ‘advice’. But why am I not deciding yet? What am I waiting for? This or that? It’s so simple… Why am I still waiting? What am I afraid of? Making the wrong decisions? Ruining everything? Ruining my life? Ruining others’ lives? Hurting myself? Hurting others in the process? Regretting it if things don’t turn out well? Thinking about all the "what-if" questions?

I have to decide one day, but I’m dreading it. I’ve been running all my life… Running from things I dislike doing… I’m trying to stall time and halt it. But sooner or later, it will come. Either I make the decision, or others will decide it for me. Then, it’ll be a big blow to me and I might plunge into depression again (as in 2004)… How can I make a decision and not let the "what-if" questions eat into me and without looking back?